The Wind in the Willows Read online

  XII

  THE RETURN OF ULYSSES

  When it began to grow dark, the Rat, with an air of excitement andmystery, summoned them back into the parlour, stood each of them upalongside of his little heap, and proceeded to dress them up for thecoming expedition. He was very earnest and thorough-going about it,and the affair took quite a long time. First, there was a belt to goround each animal, and then a sword to be stuck into each belt, andthen a cutlass on the other side to balance it. Then a pair ofpistols, a policeman's truncheon, several sets of handcuffs, somebandages and sticking-plaster, and a flask and a sandwich-case. TheBadger laughed good-humouredly and said, "All right, Ratty! It amusesyou and it doesn't hurt me. I'm going to do all I've got to do withthis here stick." But the Rat only said, "_Please_, Badger. You knowI shouldn't like you to blame me afterwards and say I had forgotten_anything_!"

  When all was quite ready, the Badger took a dark lantern in one paw,grasped his great stick with the other, and said, "Now then, followme! Mole first, 'cos I'm very pleased with him; Rat next; Toad last.And look here, Toady! Don't you chatter so much as usual, or you'll besent back, as sure as fate!"

  The Toad was so anxious not to be left out that he took up theinferior position assigned to him without a murmur, and the animalsset off. The Badger led them along by the river for a little way, andthen suddenly swung himself over the edge into a hole in the riverbank, a little above the water. The Mole and the Rat followedsilently, swinging themselves successfully into the hole as they hadseen the Badger do; but when it came to Toad's turn, of course hemanaged to slip and fall into the water with a loud splash and asqueal of alarm. He was hauled out by his friends, rubbed down andwrung out hastily, comforted, and set on his legs; but the Badger wasseriously angry, and told him that the very next time he made afool of himself he would most certainly be left behind.

  _The Badger said, "Now then, follow me!"_]

  So at last they were in the secret passage, and the cutting-outexpedition had really begun!

  It was cold, and dark, and damp, and low, and narrow, and poor Toadbegan to shiver, partly from dread of what might be before him, partlybecause he was wet through. The lantern was far ahead, and he couldnot help lagging behind a little in the darkness. Then he heard theRat call out warningly, "_Come_ on, Toad!" and a terror seized him ofbeing left behind, alone in the darkness, and he "came on" with such arush that he upset the Rat into the Mole, and the Mole into theBadger, and for a moment all was confusion. The Badger thought theywere being attacked from behind, and, as there was no room to use astick or a cutlass, drew a pistol, and was on the point of putting abullet into Toad. When he found out what had really happened he wasvery angry indeed, and said, "Now this time that tiresome Toad _shall_be left behind!"

  But Toad whimpered, and the other two promised that they would beanswerable for his good conduct, and at last the Badger was pacified,and the procession moved on; only this time the Rat brought up therear, with a firm grip on the shoulder of Toad.

  So they groped and shuffled along, with their ears pricked up andtheir paws on their pistols, till at last the Badger said, "We oughtby now to be pretty nearly under the Hall."

  Then suddenly they heard, far away as it might be, and yet apparentlynearly over their heads, a confused murmur of sound, as if people wereshouting and cheering and stamping on the floor and hammering ontables. The Toad's nervous terrors all returned, but the Badger onlyremarked placidly, "They _are_ going it, the weasels!"

  The passage now began to slope upwards; they groped onward a littlefurther, and then the noise broke out again, quite distinct this time,and very close above them. "Ooo-ray-oo-ray-oo-ray-ooray!" they heard,and the stamping of little feet on the floor, and the clinking ofglasses as little fists pounded on the table. "_What_ a time they'rehaving!" said the Badger. "Come on!" They hurried along the passagetill it came to a full stop, and they found themselves standing underthe trap-door that led up into the butler's pantry.

  Such a tremendous noise was going on in the banqueting-hall that therewas little danger of their being overheard. The Badger said, "Now,boys, all together!" and the four of them put their shoulders to thetrap-door and heaved it back. Hoisting each other up, they foundthemselves standing in the pantry, with only a door between them andthe banqueting-hall, where their unconscious enemies were carousing.

  The noise, as they emerged from the passage, was simply deafening. Atlast, as the cheering and hammering slowly subsided, a voice could bemade out saying, "Well, I do not propose to detain you muchlonger"--(great applause)--"but before I resume my seat"--(renewedcheering)--"I should like to say one word about our kind host, Mr.Toad. We all know Toad!"--(great laughter)--"_Good_ Toad, _modest_Toad, _honest_ Toad!" (shrieks of merriment).

  "Only just let me get at him!" muttered Toad, grinding his teeth.

  "Hold hard a minute!" said the Badger, restraining him withdifficulty. "Get ready, all of you!"

  "--Let me sing you a little song," went on the voice, "which I havecomposed on the subject of Toad"--(prolonged applause).

  Then the Chief Weasel--for it was he--began in a high, squeaky voice--

  "Toad he went a-pleasuring Gaily down the street--"

  The Badger drew himself up, took a firm grip of his stick with bothpaws, glanced round at his comrades, and cried--

  "The hour is come! Follow me!"

  And flung the door open wide.

  My!

  What a squealing and a squeaking and a screeching filled the air!

  Well might the terrified weasels dive under the tables and springmadly up at the windows! Well might the ferrets rush wildly for thefireplace and get hopelessly jammed in the chimney! Well might tablesand chairs be upset, and glass and china be sent crashing on thefloor, in the panic of that terrible moment when the four Heroesstrode wrathfully into the room! The mighty Badger, his whiskersbristling, his great cudgel whistling through the air; Mole, black andgrim, brandishing his stick and shouting his awful war-cry, "A Mole! AMole!" Rat, desperate and determined, his belt bulging with weapons ofevery age and every variety; Toad, frenzied with excitement andinjured pride, swollen to twice his ordinary size, leaping into theair and emitting Toad-whoops that chilled them to the marrow! "Toad hewent a-pleasuring!" he yelled. "_I'll_ pleasure 'em!" and he wentstraight for the Chief Weasel. They were but four in all, but to thepanic-stricken weasels the hall seemed full of monstrous animals,grey, black, brown and yellow, whooping and flourishing enormouscudgels; and they broke and fled with squeals of terror and dismay,this way and that, through the windows, up the chimney, anywhere toget out of reach of those terrible sticks.

  The affair was soon over. Up and down, the whole length of the hall,strode the four Friends, whacking with their sticks at every head thatshowed itself; and in five minutes the room was cleared. Through thebroken windows the shrieks of terrified weasels escaping across thelawn were borne faintly to their ears; on the floor lay prostrate somedozen or so of the enemy, on whom the Mole was busily engaged infitting handcuffs. The Badger, resting from his labours, leant on hisstick and wiped his honest brow.

  "Mole," he said, "you're the best of fellows! Just cut along outsideand look after those stoat-sentries of yours, and see what they'redoing. I've an idea that, thanks to you, we shan't have much troublefrom _them_ to-night!"

  The Mole vanished promptly through a window; and the Badger bade theother two set a table on its legs again, pick up knives and forks andplates and glasses from the _debris_ on the floor, and see if theycould find materials for a supper. "I want some grub, I do," he said,in that rather common way he had of speaking. "Stir your stumps, Toad,and look lively! We've got your house back for you, and you don'toffer us so much as a sandwich."

  Toad felt rather hurt that the Badger didn't say pleasant things tohim, as he had to the Mole, and tell him what a fine fellow he was,and how splendidly he had fought; for he was rather particularlypleased with himself and the way he had gone for the Chief Weasel andsent him flying acro
ss the table with one blow of his stick. But hebustled about, and so did the Rat, and soon they found some guavajelly in a glass dish, and a cold chicken, a tongue that had hardlybeen touched, some trifle, and quite a lot of lobster salad; and inthe pantry they came upon a basketful of French rolls and any quantityof cheese, butter, and celery. They were just about to sit down whenthe Mole clambered in through the window, chuckling, with an armful ofrifles.

  "It's all over," he reported. "From what I can make out, as soon asthe stoats, who were very nervous and jumpy already, heard the shrieksand the yells and the uproar inside the hall, some of them threw downtheir rifles and fled. The others stood fast for a bit, but when theweasels came rushing out upon them they thought they were betrayed;and the stoats grappled with the weasels, and the weasels fought toget away, and they wrestled and wriggled and punched each other, androlled over and over, till most of 'em rolled into the river! They'veall disappeared by now, one way or another; and I've got their rifles.So _that's_ all right!"

  "Excellent and deserving animal!" said the Badger, his mouth full ofchicken and trifle. "Now, there's just one more thing I want you todo, Mole, before you sit down to your supper along of us; and Iwouldn't trouble you only I know I can trust you to see a thing done,and I wish I could say the same of every one I know. I'd send Rat, ifhe wasn't a poet. I want you to take those fellows on the floor thereupstairs with you, and have some bedrooms cleaned out and tidied upand made really comfortable. See that they sweep _under_ the beds, andput clean sheets and pillow-cases on, and turn down one corner of thebed-clothes, just as you know it ought to be done; and have a can ofhot water, and clean towels, and fresh cakes of soap, put in eachroom. And then you can give them a licking a-piece, if it's anysatisfaction to you, and put them out by the back-door, and we shan'tsee any more of _them_, I fancy. And then come along and have some ofthis cold tongue. It's first rate. I'm very pleased with you, Mole!"

  The good-natured Mole picked up a stick, formed his prisoners up in aline on the floor, gave them the order "Quick march!" and led hissquad off to the upper floor. After a time, he appeared again,smiling, and said that every room was ready and as clean as a new pin."And I didn't have to lick them, either," he added. "I thought, on thewhole, they had had licking enough for one night, and the weasels,when I put the point to them, quite agreed with me, and said theywouldn't think of troubling me. They were very penitent, and saidthey were extremely sorry for what they had done, but it was all thefault of the Chief Weasel and the stoats, and if ever they could doanything for us at any time to make up, we had only got to mention it.So I gave them a roll a-piece, and let them out at the back, and offthey ran, as hard as they could!"

  Then the Mole pulled his chair up to the table, and pitched into thecold tongue; and Toad, like the gentleman he was, put all his jealousyfrom him, and said heartily, "Thank you kindly, dear Mole, for allyour pains and trouble to-night, and especially for your clevernessthis morning!" The Badger was pleased at that, and said, "There spokemy brave Toad!" So they finished their supper in great joy andcontentment, and presently retired to rest between clean sheets, safein Toad's ancestral home, won back by matchless valour, consummatestrategy, and a proper handling of sticks.

  The following morning, Toad, who had overslept himself as usual, camedown to breakfast disgracefully late, and found on the table acertain quantity of egg-shells, some fragments of cold and leatherytoast, a coffee-pot three-fourths empty, and really very little else;which did not tend to improve his temper, considering that, after all,it was his own house. Through the French windows of the breakfast-roomhe could see the Mole and the Water Rat sitting in wicker chairs outon the lawn, evidently telling each other stories; roaring withlaughter and kicking their short legs up in the air. The Badger, whowas in an arm-chair and deep in the morning paper, merely looked upand nodded when Toad entered the room. But Toad knew his man, so hesat down and made the best breakfast he could, merely observing tohimself that he would get square with the others sooner or later. Whenhe had nearly finished, the Badger looked up and remarked rathershortly: "I'm sorry, Toad, but I'm afraid there's a heavy morning'swork in front of you. You see, we really ought to have a Banquet atonce, to celebrate this affair. It's expected of you--in fact, it'sthe rule."

  "O, all right!" said the Toad, readily. "Anything to oblige. Thoughwhy on earth you should want to have a Banquet in the morning I cannotunderstand. But you know I do not live to please myself, but merely tofind out what my friends want, and then try and arrange it for 'em,you dear old Badger!"

  "Don't pretend to be stupider than you really are," replied theBadger, crossly; "and don't chuckle and splutter in your coffee whileyou're talking; it's not manners. What I mean is, the Banquet will beat night, of course, but the invitations will have to be written andgot off at once, and you've got to write 'em. Now sit down at thattable--there's stacks of letter-paper on it, with 'Toad Hall' at thetop in blue and gold--and write invitations to all our friends, and ifyou stick to it we shall get them out before luncheon. And _I'll_ beara hand, too, and take my share of the burden. _I'll_ order theBanquet."

  "What!" cried Toad, dismayed. "Me stop indoors and write a lot ofrotten letters on a jolly morning like this, when I want to go aroundmy property and set everything and everybody to rights, and swaggerabout and enjoy myself! Certainly not! I'll be--I'll see you--Stop aminute, though! Why, of course, dear Badger! What is my pleasure orconvenience compared with that of others! You wish it done, and itshall be done. Go, Badger, order the Banquet, order what you like;then join our young friends outside in their innocent mirth, obliviousof me and my cares and toils. I sacrifice this fair morning on thealtar of duty and friendship!"

  The Badger looked at him very suspiciously, but Toad's frank, opencountenance made it difficult to suggest any unworthy motive in thischange of attitude. He quitted the room, accordingly, in the directionof the kitchen, and as soon as the door had closed behind him, Toadhurried to the writing-table. A fine idea had occurred to him while hewas talking. He _would_ write the invitations; and he would take careto mention the leading part he had taken in the fight, and how he hadlaid the Chief Weasel flat; and he would hint at his adventures, andwhat a career of triumph he had to tell about; and on the fly-leaf hewould set out a sort of a programme of entertainment for theevening--something like this, as he sketched it out in his head:--

  SPEECH BY TOAD. (There will be other speeches by TOAD during the evening.)

  ADDRESS BY TOAD. SYNOPSIS--Our Prison System--the Waterways of Old England--Horse-dealing, and how to deal--Property, its rights and its duties--Back to the Land--A Typical English Squire.

  SONG BY TOAD. (_Composed by himself._)

  OTHER COMPOSITIONS BY TOAD will be sung in the course of the evening by the COMPOSER.

  The idea pleased him mightily, and he worked very hard and got all theletters finished by noon, at which hour it was reported to him thatthere was a small and rather bedraggled weasel at the door, inquiringtimidly whether he could be of any service to the gentleman. Toadswaggered out and found it was one of the prisoners of the previousevening, very respectful and anxious to please. He patted him on thehead, shoved the bundle of invitations into his paw, and told him tocut along quick and deliver them as fast as he could, and if he likedto come back again in the evening, perhaps there might be a shillingfor him, or, again, perhaps there mightn't; and the poor weasel seemedreally quite grateful, and hurried off eagerly to do his mission.

  When the other animals came back to luncheon, very boisterous andbreezy after a morning on the river, the Mole, whose conscience hadbeen pricking him, looked doubtfully at Toad, expecting to find himsulky or depressed. Instead, he was so uppish and inflated that theMole began to suspect something; while the Rat
and the Badgerexchanged significant glances.

  As soon as the meal was over, Toad thrust his paws deep into histrouser-pockets, remarked casually, "Well, look after yourselves, youfellows! Ask for anything you want!" and was swaggering off in thedirection of the garden, where he wanted to think out an idea or twofor his coming speeches, when the Rat caught him by the arm.

  Toad rather suspected what he was after, and did his best to get away;but when the Badger took him firmly by the other arm he began to seethat the game was up. The two animals conducted him between them intothe small smoking-room that opened out of the entrance-hall, shut thedoor, and put him into a chair. Then they both stood in front of him,while Toad sat silent and regarded them with much suspicion andill-humour.

  "Now, look here, Toad," said the Rat. "It's about this Banquet, andvery sorry I am to have to speak to you like this. But we want you tounderstand clearly, once and for all, that there are going to be nospeeches and no songs. Try and grasp the fact that on this occasionwe're not arguing with you; we're just telling you."

  Toad saw that he was trapped. They understood him, they saw throughhim, they had got ahead of him. His pleasant dream was shattered.

  "Mayn't I sing them just one _little_ song?" he pleaded piteously.

  "No, not _one_ little song," replied the Rat firmly, though his heartbled as he noticed the trembling lip of the poor disappointed Toad."It's no good, Toady; you know well that your songs are all conceitand boasting and vanity; and your speeches are all self-praiseand--and--well, and gross exaggeration and--and--"

  "And gas," put in the Badger, in his common way.

  "It's for your own good, Toady," went on the Rat. "You know you _must_turn over a new leaf sooner or later, and now seems a splendid time tobegin; a sort of turning-point in your career. Please don't think thatsaying all this doesn't hurt me more than it hurts you."

  Toad remained a long while plunged in thought. At last he raised hishead, and the traces of strong emotion were visible on his features."You have conquered, my friends," he said in broken accents. "It was,to be sure, but a small thing that I asked--merely leave to blossomand expand for yet one more evening, to let myself go and hear thetumultuous applause that always seems to me--somehow--to bring out mybest qualities. However, you are right, I know, and I am wrong.Henceforth I will be a very different Toad. My friends, you shallnever have occasion to blush for me again. But, O dear, O dear, thisis a hard world!"

  And, pressing his handkerchief to his face, he left the room, withfaltering footsteps.

  "Badger," said the Rat, "I feel like a brute; I wonder what _you_ feellike?"

  "O, I know, I know," said the Badger gloomily. "But the thing had tobe done. This good fellow has got to live here, and hold his own, andbe respected. Would you have him a common laughing-stock, mocked andjeered at by stoats and weasels?"

  "Of course not," said the Rat. "And, talking of weasels, it's lucky wecame upon that little weasel, just as he was setting out with Toad'sinvitations. I suspected something from what you told me, and had alook at one or two; they were simply disgraceful. I confiscated thelot, and the good Mole is now sitting in the blue _boudoir_, fillingup plain, simple invitation cards."

  * * * * *

  At last the hour for the banquet began to draw near, and Toad, who onleaving the others had retired to his bedroom, was still sittingthere, melancholy and thoughtful. His brow resting on his paw, hepondered long and deeply. Gradually his countenance cleared, and hebegan to smile long, slow smiles. Then he took to giggling in a shy,self-conscious manner. At last he got up, locked the door, drew thecurtains across the windows, collected all the chairs in the room andarranged them in a semicircle, and took up his position in front ofthem, swelling visibly. Then he bowed, coughed twice, and, lettinghimself go, with uplifted voice he sang, to the enraptured audiencethat his imagination so clearly saw:

  TOAD'S LAST LITTLE SONG

  The Toad--came--home! There was panic in the parlours and howling in the halls, There was crying in the cow-sheds and shrieking in the stalls, When the Toad--came--home!

  When the Toad--came--home! There was smashing in of window and crashing in of door, There was chivvying of weasels that fainted on the floor, When the Toad--came--home!

  Bang! go the drums! The trumpeters are tooting and the soldiers are saluting, And the cannon they are shooting and the motor-cars are hooting, As the--Hero--comes!

  Shout--Hoo-ray! And let each one of the crowd try and shout it very loud, In honour of an animal of whom you're justly proud, For it's Toad's--great--day!

  He sang this very loud, with great unction and expression; and when hehad done, he sang it all over again.

  Then he heaved a deep sigh; a long, long, long sigh.

  Then he dipped his hairbrush in the water-jug, parted his hair in themiddle, and plastered it down very straight and sleek on each side ofhis face; and, unlocking the door, went quietly down the stairs togreet his guests, who he knew must be assembling in the drawing-room.

  All the animals cheered when he entered, and crowded round tocongratulate him and say nice things about his courage, and hiscleverness, and his fighting qualities; but Toad only smiled faintly,and murmured, "Not at all!" Or, sometimes, for a change, "On thecontrary!" Otter, who was standing on the hearthrug, describing to anadmiring circle of friends exactly how he would have managed thingshad he been there, came forward with a shout, threw his arm roundToad's neck, and tried to take him round the room in triumphalprogress; but Toad, in a mild way, was rather snubby to him, remarkinggently, as he disengaged himself, "Badger's was the master mind; theMole and the Water Rat bore the brunt of the fighting; I merely servedin the ranks and did little or nothing." The animals were evidentlypuzzled and taken aback by this unexpected attitude of his; and Toadfelt, as he moved from one guest to the other, making his modestresponses, that he was an object of absorbing interest to every one.

  The Badger had ordered everything of the best, and the banquet was agreat success. There was much talking and laughter and chaff among theanimals, but through it all Toad, who of course was in the chair,looked down his nose and murmured pleasant nothings to the animals oneither side of him. At intervals he stole a glance at the Badger andthe Rat, and always when he looked they were staring at each otherwith their mouths open; and this gave him the greatest satisfaction.Some of the younger and livelier animals, as the evening wore on, gotwhispering to each other that things were not so amusing as they usedto be in the good old days; and there were some knockings on the tableand cries of "Toad! Speech! Speech from Toad! Song! Mr. Toad's song!"But Toad only shook his head gently, raised one paw in mild protest,and, by pressing delicacies on his guests, by topical small-talk, andby earnest inquiries after members of their families not yet oldenough to appear at social functions, managed to convey to them thatthis dinner was being run on strictly conventional lines.

  He was indeed an altered Toad!

  * * * * *

  After this climax, the four animals continued to lead their lives, sorudely broken in upon by civil war, in great joy and contentment,undisturbed by further risings or invasions. Toad, after dueconsultation with his friends, selected a handsome gold chain andlocket set with pearls, which he dispatched to the gaoler's daughter,with a letter that even the Badger admitted to be modest, grateful,and appreciative; and the engine-driver, in his turn, was properlythanked and compensated for all his pains and trouble. Under severecompulsion from the Badger, even the barge-woman was, with sometrouble, sought out and the value of her horse discreetly made goodto her; though Toad kicked terribly at this, holding himself to be aninstrument of Fate, sent to punish fat women with mottled arms whocouldn't tell a real gentleman when they saw one. The amount involved,it was true, was not very burdensome, the gipsy's valuation beingadmitted by local assessors to be approximately co
rrect.

  Sometimes, in the course of long summer evenings, the friends wouldtake a stroll together in the Wild Wood, now successfully tamed so faras they were concerned; and it was pleasing to see how respectfullythey were greeted by the inhabitants, and how the mother-weasels wouldbring their young ones to the mouths of their holes, and say,pointing, "Look, baby! There goes the great Mr. Toad! And that's thegallant Water Rat, a terrible fighter, walking along o' him! Andyonder comes the famous Mr. Mole, of whom you so often have heard yourfather tell!" But when their infants were fractious and quite beyondcontrol, they would quiet them by telling how, if they didn't hushthem and not fret them, the terrible grey Badger would up and getthem. This was a base libel on Badger, who, though he cared littleabout Society, was rather fond of children; but it never failed tohave its full effect.

  _The Wind in the Willows_

 
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