The Wind in the Willows Read online

  XI

  "LIKE SUMMER TEMPESTS CAME HIS TEARS"

  The Rat put out a neat little brown paw, gripped Toad firmly by thescruff of the neck, and gave a great hoist and a pull; and thewater-logged Toad came up slowly but surely over the edge of the hole,till at last he stood safe and sound in the hall, streaked with mudand weed, to be sure, and with the water streaming off him, but happyand high-spirited as of old, now that he found himself once more inthe house of a friend, and dodgings and evasions were over, and hecould lay aside a disguise that was unworthy of his position andwanted such a lot of living up to.

  "O, Ratty!" he cried. "I've been through such times since I saw youlast, you can't think! Such trials, such sufferings, and all so noblyborne! Then such escapes, such disguises, such subterfuges, and all socleverly planned and carried out! Been in prison--got out of it, ofcourse! Been thrown into a canal--swam ashore! Stole a horse--sold himfor a large sum of money! Humbugged everybody--made 'em all do exactlywhat I wanted! Oh, I _am_ a smart Toad, and no mistake! What do youthink my last exploit was? Just hold on till I tell you--"

  "Toad," said the Water Rat, gravely and firmly, "you go off upstairsat once, and take off that old cotton rag that looks as if it mightformerly have belonged to some washerwoman, and clean yourselfthoroughly, and put on some of my clothes, and try and come downlooking like a gentleman if you _can_; for a more shabby, bedraggled,disreputable-looking object than you are I never set eyes on in mywhole life! Now, stop swaggering and arguing, and be off! I'll havesomething to say to you later!"

  Toad was at first inclined to stop and do some talking back at him. Hehad had enough of being ordered about when he was in prison, and herewas the thing being begun all over again, apparently; and by a Rat,too! However, he caught sight of himself in the looking-glass over thehat-stand, with the rusty black bonnet perched rakishly over one eye,and he changed his mind and went very quickly and humbly upstairs tothe Rat's dressing-room. There he had a thorough wash and brush-up,changed his clothes, and stood for a long time before the glass,contemplating himself with pride and pleasure, and thinking what utteridiots all the people must have been to have ever mistaken him for onemoment for a washerwoman.

  By the time he came down again luncheon was on the table, and veryglad Toad was to see it, for he had been through some tryingexperiences and had taken much hard exercise since the excellentbreakfast provided for him by the gipsy. While they ate Toad told theRat all his adventures, dwelling chiefly on his own cleverness, andpresence of mind in emergencies, and cunning in tight places; andrather making out that he had been having a gay and highly-colouredexperience. But the more he talked and boasted, the more grave andsilent the Rat became.

  When at last Toad had talked himself to a standstill, there wassilence for a while; and then the Rat said, "Now, Toady, I don't wantto give you pain, after all you've been through already; but,seriously, don't you see what an awful ass you've been making ofyourself? On your own admission you have been hand-cuffed, imprisoned,starved, chased, terrified out of your life, insulted, jeered at, andignominiously flung into the water--by a woman, too! Where's theamusement in that? Where does the fun come in? And all because youmust needs go and steal a motor-car. You know that you've never hadanything but trouble from motor-cars from the moment you first seteyes on one. But if you _will_ be mixed up with them--as you generallyare, five minutes after you've started--why _steal_ them? Be acripple, if you think it's exciting; be a bankrupt, for a change, ifyou've set your mind on it: but why choose to be a convict? When areyou going to be sensible and think of your friends, and try and bea credit to them? Do you suppose it's any pleasure to me, forinstance, to hear animals saying, as I go about, that I'm the chapthat keeps company with gaol-birds?"

  _Dwelling chiefly on his own cleverness, and presenceof mind in emergencies_]

  Now, it was a very comforting point in Toad's character that he was athoroughly good-hearted animal, and never minded being jawed by thosewho were his real friends. And even when most set upon a thing, he wasalways able to see the other side of the question. So although, whilethe Rat was talking so seriously, he kept saying to himselfmutinously, "But it _was_ fun, though! Awful fun!" and making strangesuppressed noises inside him, k-i-ck-ck-ck, and poop-p-p, and othersounds resembling stifled snorts, or the opening of soda-waterbottles, yet when the Rat had quite finished, he heaved a deep sighand said, very nicely and humbly, "Quite right, Ratty! How _sound_ youalways are! Yes, I've been a conceited old ass, I can quite see that;but now I'm going to be a good Toad, and not do it any more. As formotor-cars, I've not been at all so keen about them since my lastducking in that river of yours. The fact is, while I was hanging on tothe edge of your hole and getting my breath, I had a sudden idea--areally brilliant idea--connected with motor-boats--there, there! don'ttake on so, old chap, and stamp, and upset things; it was only anidea, and we won't talk any more about it now. We'll have our coffee,_and_ a smoke, and a quiet chat, and then I'm going to stroll quietlydown to Toad Hall, and get into clothes of my own, and set thingsgoing again on the old lines. I've had enough of adventures. I shalllead a quiet, steady, respectable life, pottering about my property,and improving it, and doing a little landscape gardening at times.There will always be a bit of dinner for my friends when they come tosee me; and I shall keep a pony-chaise to jog about the country in,just as I used to in the good old days, before I got restless, andwanted to _do_ things."

  "Stroll quietly down to Toad Hall?" cried the Rat, greatly excited."What are you talking about? Do you mean to say you haven't _heard_?"

  "Heard what?" said Toad, turning rather pale. "Go on, Ratty! Quick!Don't spare me! What haven't I heard?"

  "Do you mean to tell me," shouted the Rat, thumping with his littlefist upon the table, "that you've heard nothing about the Stoats andWeasels?"

  "What, the Wild Wooders?" cried Toad, trembling in every limb. "No,not a word! What have they been doing?"

  "--And how they've been and taken Toad Hall?" continued the Rat.

  Toad leaned his elbows on the table, and his chin on his paws; and alarge tear welled up in each of his eyes, overflowed and splashed onthe table, plop! plop!

  "Go on, Ratty," he murmured presently; "tell me all. The worst isover. I am an animal again. I can bear it."

  "When you--got--into that--that--trouble of yours," said the Rat,slowly and impressively; "I mean, when you--disappeared from societyfor a time, over that misunderstanding about a--a machine, you know--"

  Toad merely nodded.

  "Well, it was a good deal talked about down here, naturally,"continued the Rat, "not only along the riverside, but even in the WildWood. Animals took sides, as always happens. The River-bankers stuckup for you, and said you had been infamously treated, and there was nojustice to be had in the land nowadays. But the Wild Wood animals saidhard things, and served you right, and it was time this sort of thingwas stopped. And they got very cocky, and went about saying you weredone for this time! You would never come back again, never, never!"

  Toad nodded once more, keeping silence.

  "That's the sort of little beasts they are," the Rat went on. "ButMole and Badger, they stuck out, through thick and thin, that youwould come back again soon, somehow. They didn't know exactly how, butsomehow!"

  Toad began to sit up in his chair again, and to smirk a little.

  "They argued from history," continued the Rat. "They said that nocriminal laws had ever been known to prevail against cheek andplausibility such as yours, combined with the power of a long purse.So they arranged to move their things in to Toad Hall, and sleepthere, and keep it aired, and have it all ready for you when youturned up. They didn't guess what was going to happen, of course;still, they had their suspicions of the Wild Wood animals. Now I cometo the most painful and tragic part of my story. One dark night--itwas a _very_ dark night, and blowing hard, too, and raining simplycats and dogs--a band of weasels, armed to the teeth, crept silentlyup the carriage-drive to the front entrance. Simultaneously, a b
ody ofdesperate ferrets, advancing through the kitchen-garden, possessedthemselves of the backyard and offices; while a company of skirmishingstoats who stuck at nothing occupied the conservatory and thebilliard-room, and held the French windows opening on to the lawn.

  "The Mole and the Badger were sitting by the fire in the smoking-room,telling stories and suspecting nothing, for it wasn't a night for anyanimals to be out in, when those bloodthirsty villains broke down thedoors and rushed in upon them from every side. They made the bestfight they could, but what was the good? They were unarmed, and takenby surprise, and what can two animals do against hundreds? They tookand beat them severely with sticks, those two poor faithful creatures,and turned them out into the cold and the wet, with many insulting anduncalled-for remarks!"

  Here the unfeeling Toad broke into a snigger, and then pulled himselftogether and tried to look particularly solemn.

  "And the Wild Wooders have been living in Toad Hall ever since,"continued the Rat; "and going on simply anyhow! Lying in bed half theday, and breakfast at all hours, and the place in such a mess (I'mtold) it's not fit to be seen! Eating your grub, and drinking yourdrink, and making bad jokes about you, and singing vulgar songs,about--well, about prisons and magistrates, and policemen; horridpersonal songs, with no humour in them. And they're telling thetradespeople and everybody that they've come to stay for good."

  "O, have they!" said Toad, getting up and seizing a stick. "I'll jollysoon see about that!"

  "It's no good, Toad!" called the Rat after him. "You'd better comeback and sit down; you'll only get into trouble."

  But the Toad was off, and there was no holding him. He marched rapidlydown the road, his stick over his shoulder, fuming and muttering tohimself in his anger, till he got near his front gate, when suddenlythere popped up from behind the palings a long yellow ferret with agun.

  "Who comes there?" said the ferret sharply.

  "Stuff and nonsense!" said Toad, very angrily. "What do you mean bytalking like that to me? Come out of that at once or I'll--"

  The ferret said never a word, but he brought his gun up to hisshoulder. Toad prudently dropped flat in the road, and _Bang_! abullet whistled over his head.

  The startled Toad scrambled to his feet and scampered off down theroad as hard as he could; and as he ran he heard the ferret laughingand other horrid thin little laughs taking it up and carrying on thesound.

  He went back, very crestfallen, and told the Water Rat.

  "What did I tell you?" said the Rat. "It's no good. They've gotsentries posted, and they are all armed. You must just wait."

  Still, Toad was not inclined to give in all at once. So he got out theboat, and set off rowing up the river to where the garden front ofToad Hall came down to the water-side.

  Arriving within sight of his old home, he rested on his oars andsurveyed the land cautiously. All seemed very peaceful and desertedand quiet. He could see the whole front of Toad Hall, glowing in theevening sunshine, the pigeons settling by twos and threes along thestraight line of the roof; the garden, a blaze of flowers; the creekthat led up to the boat-house, the little wooden bridge that crossedit; all tranquil, uninhabited, apparently waiting for his return. Hewould try the boat-house first, he thought. Very warily he paddled upto the mouth of the creek, and was just passing under the bridge,when ... _Crash_!

  A great stone, dropped from above, smashed through the bottom of theboat. It filled and sank, and Toad found himself struggling in deepwater. Looking up, he saw two stoats leaning over the parapet of thebridge and watching him with great glee. "It will be your head nexttime, Toady!" they called out to him. The indignant Toad swam toshore, while the stoats laughed and laughed, supporting each other,and laughed again, till they nearly had two fits--that is, one fiteach, of course.

  The Toad retraced his weary way on foot, and related his disappointingexperiences to the Water Rat once more.

  "Well, _what_ did I tell you?" said the Rat very crossly. "And, now, lookhere! See what you've been and done! Lost me my boat that I was so fondof, that's what you've done! And simply ruined that nice suit of clothesthat I lent you! Really, Toad, of all the trying animals--I wonder youmanage to keep any friends at all!"

  The Toad saw at once how wrongly and foolishly he had acted. Headmitted his errors and wrong-headedness and made a full apology toRat for losing his boat and spoiling his clothes. And he wound up bysaying, with that frank self-surrender which always disarmed hisfriends' criticism and won them back to his side, "Ratty! I see that Ihave been a headstrong and a wilful Toad! Henceforth, believe me, Iwill be humble and submissive, and will take no action without yourkind advice and full approval!"

  "If that is really so," said the good-natured Rat, already appeased,"then my advice to you is, considering the lateness of the hour, tosit down and have your supper, which will be on the table in a minute,and be very patient. For I am convinced that we can do nothing untilwe have seen the Mole and the Badger, and heard their latest news, andheld conference and taken their advice in this difficult matter."

  "Oh, ah, yes, of course, the Mole and the Badger," said Toad,lightly. "What's become of them, the dear fellows? I had forgotten allabout them."

  "Well may you ask!" said the Rat reproachfully. "While you were ridingabout the country in expensive motor-cars, and galloping proudly onblood-horses, and breakfasting on the fat of the land, those two poordevoted animals have been camping out in the open, in every sort ofweather, living very rough by day and lying very hard by night;watching over your house, patrolling your boundaries, keeping aconstant eye on the stoats and the weasels, scheming and planning andcontriving how to get your property back for you. You don't deserve tohave such true and loyal friends, Toad, you don't, really. Some day,when it's too late, you'll be sorry you didn't value them more whileyou had them!"

  "I'm an ungrateful beast, I know," sobbed Toad, shedding bitter tears."Let me go out and find them, out into the cold, dark night, and sharetheir hardships, and try and prove by--Hold on a bit! Surely I heardthe chink of dishes on a tray! Supper's here at last, hooray! Comeon, Ratty!"

  The Rat remembered that poor Toad had been on prison fare for aconsiderable time, and that large allowances had therefore to be made.He followed him to the table accordingly, and hospitably encouragedhim in his gallant efforts to make up for past privations.

  They had just finished their meal and resumed their arm-chairs, whenthere came a heavy knock at the door.

  Toad was nervous, but the Rat, nodding mysteriously at him, wentstraight up to the door and opened it, and in walked Mr. Badger.

  He had all the appearance of one who for some nights had been keptaway from home and all its little comforts and conveniences. His shoeswere covered with mud, and he was looking very rough and touzled; butthen he had never been a very smart man, the Badger, at the best oftimes. He came solemnly up to Toad, shook him by the paw, and said,"Welcome home, Toad! Alas! what am I saying? Home, indeed! This is apoor home-coming. Unhappy Toad!" Then he turned his back on him, satdown to the table, drew his chair up, and helped himself to a largeslice of cold pie.

  Toad was quite alarmed at this very serious and portentous style ofgreeting; but the Rat whispered to him, "Never mind; don't take anynotice; and don't say anything to him just yet. He's always rather lowand despondent when he's wanting his victuals. In half an hour's timehe'll be quite a different animal."

  So they waited in silence, and presently there came another and alighter knock. The Rat, with a nod to Toad, went to the door andushered in the Mole, very shabby and unwashed, with bits of hay andstraw sticking in his fur.

  "Hooray! Here's old Toad!" cried the Mole, his face beaming. "Fancyhaving you back again!" And he began to dance round him. "We neverdreamt you would turn up so soon! Why, you must have managed toescape, you clever, ingenious, intelligent Toad!"

  The Rat, alarmed, pulled him by the elbow; but it was too late. Toadwas puffing and swelling already.

  "Clever? O, no!" he said. "I'm not really clever, ac
cording to myfriends. I've only broken out of the strongest prison in England,that's all! And captured a railway train and escaped on it, that'sall! And disguised myself and gone about the country humbuggingeverybody, that's all! O, no! I'm a stupid ass, I am! I'll tell youone or two of my little adventures, Mole, and you shall judge foryourself!"

  "Well, well," said the Mole, moving towards the supper-table;"supposing you talk while I eat. Not a bite since breakfast! O my! Omy!" And he sat down and helped himself liberally to cold beef andpickles.

  Toad straddled on the hearth-rug, thrust his paw into histrouser-pocket and pulled out a handful of silver. "Look at that!" hecried, displaying it. "That's not so bad, is it, for a few minutes'work? And how do you think I done it, Mole? Horse-dealing! That's howI done it!"

  "Go on, Toad," said the Mole, immensely interested.

  "Toad, do be quiet, please!" said the Rat. "And don't you egg him on,Mole, when you know what he is; but please tell us as soon as possiblewhat the position is, and what's best to be done, now that Toad isback at last."

  "The position's about as bad as it can be," replied the Mole grumpily;"and as for what's to be done, why, blest if I know! The Badger and Ihave been round and round the place, by night and by day; always thesame thing. Sentries posted everywhere, guns poked out at us, stonesthrown at us; always an animal on the look-out, and when they see us,my! how they do laugh! That's what annoys me most!"

  "It's a very difficult situation," said the Rat, reflecting deeply."But I think I see now, in the depths of my mind, what Toad reallyought to do. I will tell you. He ought to--"

  "No, he oughtn't!" shouted the Mole, with his mouth full. "Nothing ofthe sort! You don't understand. What he ought to do is, he oughtto--"

  "Well, I shan't do it, anyway!" cried Toad, getting excited. "I'm notgoing to be ordered about by you fellows! It's my house we're talkingabout, and I know exactly what to do, and I'll tell you. I'm goingto--"

  By this time they were all three talking at once, at the top of theirvoices, and the noise was simply deafening, when a thin, dry voicemade itself heard, saying, "Be quiet at once, all of you!" andinstantly every one was silent.

  It was the Badger, who, having finished his pie, had turned round inhis chair and was looking at them severely. When he saw that he hadsecured their attention, and that they were evidently waiting for himto address them, he turned back to the table again and reached out forthe cheese. And so great was the respect commanded by the solidqualities of that admirable animal, that not another word was uttered,until he had quite finished his repast and brushed the crumbs from hisknees. The Toad fidgeted a good deal, but the Rat held him firmlydown.

  When the Badger had quite done, he got up from his seat and stoodbefore the fireplace, reflecting deeply. At last he spoke.

  "Toad," he said severely. "You bad, troublesome little animal! Aren'tyou ashamed of yourself? What do you think your father, my old friend,would have said if he had been here to-night, and had known of allyour goings on?"

  Toad, who was on the sofa by this time, with his legs up, rolled overon his face, shaken by sobs of contrition.

  "There, there!" went on the Badger, more kindly. "Never mind. Stopcrying. We're going to let bygones be bygones, and try and turn over anew leaf. But what the Mole says is quite true. The stoats are onguard, at every point, and they make the best sentinels in the world.It's quite useless to think of attacking the place. They're too strongfor us."

  "Then it's all over," sobbed the Toad, crying into the sofa cushions."I shall go and enlist for a soldier, and never see my dear Toad Hallany more!"

  "Come, cheer up, Toady!" said the Badger. "There are more ways ofgetting back a place than taking it by storm. I haven't said my lastword yet. Now I'm going to tell you a great secret."

  Toad sat up slowly and dried his eyes. Secrets had an immenseattraction for him, because he never could keep one, and he enjoyedthe sort of unhallowed thrill he experienced when he went and toldanother animal, after having faithfully promised not to.

  "There--is--an--underground--passage," said the Badger, impressively,"that leads from the river-bank, quite near here, right up into themiddle of Toad Hall."

  "O, nonsense! Badger," said Toad, rather airily. "You've beenlistening to some of the yarns they spin in the public-houses abouthere. I know every inch of Toad Hall, inside and out. Nothing of thesort, I do assure you!"

  "My young friend," said the Badger, with great severity, "your father,who was a worthy animal--a lot worthier than some others I know--was aparticular friend of mine, and told me a great deal he wouldn't havedreamt of telling you. He discovered that passage--he didn't make it,of course; that was done hundreds of years before he ever came to livethere--and he repaired it and cleaned it out, because he thought itmight come in useful some day, in case of trouble or danger; and heshowed it to me. 'Don't let my son know about it,' he said. 'He's agood boy, but very light and volatile in character, and simply cannothold his tongue. If he's ever in a real fix, and it would be of use tohim, you may tell him about the secret passage; but not before.'"

  The other animals looked hard at Toad to see how he would take it.Toad was inclined to be sulky at first; but he brightened upimmediately, like the good fellow he was.

  "Well, well," he said; "perhaps I am a bit of a talker. A popularfellow such as I am--my friends get round me--we chaff, we sparkle, wetell witty stories--and somehow my tongue gets wagging. I have thegift of conversation. I've been told I ought to have a _salon_,whatever that may be. Never mind. Go on, Badger. How's this passage ofyours going to help us?"

  "I've found out a thing or two lately," continued the Badger. "I gotOtter to disguise himself as a sweep and call at the back-door withbrushes over his shoulder, asking for a job. There's going to be a bigbanquet to-morrow night. It's somebody's birthday--the Chief Weasel's,I believe--and all the weasels will be gathered together in thedining-hall, eating and drinking and laughing and carrying on,suspecting nothing. No guns, no swords, no sticks, no arms of any sortwhatever!"

  "But the sentinels will be posted as usual," remarked the Rat.

  "Exactly," said the Badger; "that is my point. The weasels will trustentirely to their excellent sentinels. And that is where the passagecomes in. That very useful tunnel leads right up under the butler'spantry, next to the dining-hall!"

  "Aha! that squeaky board in the butler's pantry!" said Toad. "Now Iunderstand it!"

  "We shall creep out quietly into the butler's pantry--" cried theMole.

  "--with our pistols and swords and sticks--" shouted the Rat.

  "--and rush in upon them," said the Badger.

  "--and whack 'em, and whack 'em, and whack 'em!" cried the Toad inecstasy, running round and round the room, and jumping over thechairs.

  "Very well, then," said the Badger, resuming his usual dry manner,"our plan is settled, and there's nothing more for you to argue andsquabble about. So, as it's getting very late, all of you go right offto bed at once. We will make all the necessary arrangements in thecourse of the morning to-morrow."

  Toad, of course, went off to bed dutifully with the rest--he knewbetter than to refuse--though he was feeling much too excited tosleep. But he had had a long day, with many events crowded into it;and sheets and blankets were very friendly and comforting things,after plain straw, and not too much of it, spread on the stone floorof a draughty cell; and his head had not been many seconds on hispillow before he was snoring happily. Naturally, he dreamt a gooddeal; about roads that ran away from him just when he wanted them, andcanals that chased him and caught him, and a barge that sailed intothe banqueting-hall with his week's washing, just as he was giving adinner-party; and he was alone in the secret passage, pushing onwards,but it twisted and turned round and shook itself, and sat up on itsend; yet somehow, at the last, he found himself back in Toad Hall,safe and triumphant, with all his friends gathered round about him,earnestly assuring him that he really was a clever Toad.

  He slept till a late hour next morning, and by th
e time he got down hefound that the other animals had finished their breakfast some time before.The Mole had slipped off somewhere by himself, without telling any onewhere he was going to. The Badger sat in the arm-chair, reading the paper,and not concerning himself in the slightest about what was going to happenthat very evening. The Rat, on the other hand, was running round the roombusily, with his arms full of weapons of every kind, distributing them infour little heaps on the floor, and saying excitedly under his breath, ashe ran, "Here's-a-sword-for-the-Rat, here's-a-sword-for-the-Mole,here's-a-sword-for-the-Toad, here's-a-sword-for-the-Badger!Here's-a-pistol-for-the-Rat, here's-a-pistol-for-the-Mole,here's-a-pistol-for-the-Toad, here's-a-pistol-for-the-Badger!" And so on,in a regular, rhythmical way, while the four little heaps gradually grewand grew.

  "That's all very well, Rat," said the Badger presently, looking at thebusy little animal over the edge of his newspaper; "I'm not blamingyou. But just let us once get past the stoats, with those detestableguns of theirs, and I assure you we shan't want any swords or pistols.We four, with our sticks, once we're inside the dining-hall, why, weshall clear the floor of all the lot of them in five minutes. I'd havedone the whole thing by myself, only I didn't want to deprive youfellows of the fun!"

  "It's as well to be on the safe side," said the Rat reflectively,polishing a pistol-barrel on his sleeve and looking along it.

  The Toad, having finished his breakfast, picked up a stout stick andswung it vigorously, belabouring imaginary animals. "I'll learn 'emto steal my house!" he cried. "I'll learn 'em, I'll learn 'em!"

  "Don't say 'learn 'em,' Toad," said the Rat, greatly shocked. "It'snot good English."

  "What are you always nagging at Toad for?" inquired the Badger, ratherpeevishly. "What's the matter with his English? It's the same what Iuse myself, and if it's good enough for me, it ought to be good enoughfor you!"

  "I'm very sorry," said the Rat humbly. "Only I _think_ it ought to be'teach 'em,' not 'learn 'em.'"

  "But we don't _want_ to teach 'em," replied the Badger. "We want to_learn_ 'em--learn 'em, learn 'em! And what's more, we're going to_do_ it, too!"

  "Oh, very well, have it your own way," said the Rat. He was gettingrather muddled about it himself, and presently he retired into acorner, where he could be heard muttering, "Learn 'em, teach 'em,teach 'em, learn 'em!" till the Badger told him rather sharply toleave off.

  Presently the Mole came tumbling into the room, evidently very pleasedwith himself. "I've been having such fun!" he began at once; "I'vebeen getting a rise out of the stoats!"

  "I hope you've been very careful, Mole?" said the Rat anxiously.

  "I should hope so, too," said the Mole confidently. "I got the ideawhen I went into the kitchen, to see about Toad's breakfast being kepthot for him. I found that old washerwoman-dress that he came home inyesterday, hanging on a towel-horse before the fire. So I put it on,and the bonnet as well, and the shawl, and off I went to Toad Hall, asbold as you please. The sentries were on the look-out, of course, withtheir guns and their 'Who comes there?' and all the rest of theirnonsense. 'Good morning, gentlemen!' says I, very respectful. 'Wantany washing done to-day?' They looked at me very proud and stiff andhaughty, and said, 'Go away, washerwoman! We don't do any washing onduty.' 'Or any other time?' says I. Ho, ho, ho! Wasn't I _funny_,Toad?"

  "Poor, frivolous animal!" said Toad, very loftily. The fact is, hefelt exceedingly jealous of Mole for what he had just done. It wasexactly what he would have liked to have done himself, if only he hadthought of it first, and hadn't gone and overslept himself.

  "Some of the stoats turned quite pink," continued the Mole, "and theSergeant in charge, he said to me, very short, he said, 'Now run away,my good woman, run away! Don't keep my men idling and talking on theirposts.' 'Run away?' says I; 'it won't be me that'll be running away,in a very short time from now!'"

  "O _Moly_, how could you?" said the Rat, dismayed.

  The Badger laid down his paper.

  "I could see them pricking up their ears and looking at each other,"went on the Mole; "and the Sergeant said to them, 'Never mind _her_;she doesn't know what she's talking about.'"

  "'O! don't I?' said I. 'Well, let me tell you this. My daughter, shewashes for Mr. Badger, and that'll show you whether I know what I'mtalking about; and _you'll_ know pretty soon, too! A hundredbloodthirsty badgers, armed with rifles, are going to attack Toad Hallthis very night, by way of the paddock. Six boatloads of Rats, withpistols and cutlasses, will come up the river and effect a landing inthe garden; while a picked body of Toads, known as the Die-hards, orthe Death-or-Glory Toads, will storm the orchard and carry everythingbefore them, yelling for vengeance. There won't be much left of you towash, by the time they've done with you, unless you clear out whileyou have the chance!' Then I ran away, and when I was out of sight Ihid; and presently I came creeping back along the ditch and took apeep at them through the hedge. They were all as nervous and flusteredas could be, running all ways at once, and falling over each other,and every one giving orders to everybody else and not listening; andthe Sergeant kept sending off parties of stoats to distant parts ofthe grounds, and then sending other fellows to fetch 'em back again;and I heard them saying to each other, 'That's just like the weasels;they're to stop comfortably in the banqueting-hall, and have feastingand toasts and songs and all sorts of fun, while we must stay on guardin the cold and the dark, and in the end be cut to pieces bybloodthirsty Badgers!'"

  "Oh, you silly ass, Mole!" cried Toad, "You've been and spoilteverything!"

  "Mole," said the Badger, in his dry, quiet way, "I perceive you havemore sense in your little finger than some other animals have in thewhole of their fat bodies. You have managed excellently, and I beginto have great hopes of you. Good Mole! Clever Mole!"

  The Toad was simply wild with jealousy, more especially as he couldn'tmake out for the life of him what the Mole had done that was soparticularly clever; but, fortunately for him, before he could showtemper or expose himself to the Badger's sarcasm, the bell rang forluncheon.

  It was a simple but sustaining meal--bacon and broad beans, and amacaroni pudding; and when they had quite done, the Badger settledhimself into an arm-chair, and said, "Well, we've got our work cutout for us to-night, and it will probably be pretty late before we'requite through with it; so I'm just going to take forty winks, while Ican." And he drew a handkerchief over his face and was soon snoring.

  The anxious and laborious Rat at once resumed his preparations,and started running between his four little heaps, muttering,"Here's-a-belt-for-the-Rat, here's-a-belt-for-the-Mole,here's-a-belt-for-the-Toad, here's-a-belt-for-the-Badger!" and so on,with every fresh accoutrement he produced, to which there seemedreally no end; so the Mole drew his arm through Toad's, led him outinto the open air, shoved him into a wicker chair, and made him tellhim all his adventures from beginning to end, which Toad was only toowilling to do. The Mole was a good listener, and Toad, with no one tocheck his statements or to criticise in an unfriendly spirit, ratherlet himself go. Indeed, much that he related belonged more properly tothe category of what-might-have-happened-had-I-only-thought-of-it-in-time-instead-of-ten-minutes-afterwards. Those are always the best andthe raciest adventures; and why should they not be truly ours, as muchas the somewhat inadequate things that really come off?