The Wind in the Willows Read online

  VI

  MR. TOAD

  It was a bright morning in the early part of summer; the river hadresumed its wonted banks and its accustomed pace, and a hot sun seemedto be pulling everything green and bushy and spiky up out of the earthtowards him, as if by strings. The Mole and the Water Rat had been upsince dawn, very busy on matters connected with boats and the openingof the boating season; painting and varnishing, mending paddles,repairing cushions, hunting for missing boat-hooks, and so on; andwere finishing breakfast in their little parlour and eagerlydiscussing their plans for the day, when a heavy knock sounded at thedoor.

  "Bother!" said the Rat, all over egg. "See who it is, Mole, like agood chap, since you've finished."

  The Mole went to attend the summons, and the Rat heard him utter a cryof surprise. Then he flung the parlour door open, and announced withmuch importance, "Mr. Badger!"

  This was a wonderful thing, indeed, that the Badger should pay aformal call on them, or indeed on anybody. He generally had to becaught, if you wanted him badly, as he slipped quietly along ahedgerow of an early morning or a late evening, or else hunted up inhis own house in the middle of the Wood, which was a seriousundertaking.

  The Badger strode heavily into the room, and stood looking at the twoanimals with an expression full of seriousness. The Rat let hisegg-spoon fall on the table-cloth, and sat open-mouthed.

  "The hour has come!" said the Badger at last with great solemnity.

  "What hour?" asked the Rat uneasily, glancing at the clock on themantelpiece.

  "_Whose_ hour, you should rather say," replied the Badger. "Why,Toad's hour! The hour of Toad! I said I would take him in hand assoon as the winter was well over, and I'm going to take him in handto-day!"

  "Toad's hour, of course!" cried the Mole delightedly. "Hooray! Iremember now! _We'll_ teach him to be a sensible Toad!"

  "This very morning," continued the Badger, taking an arm-chair, "as Ilearnt last night from a trustworthy source, another new andexceptionally powerful motor-car will arrive at Toad Hall on approvalor return. At this very moment, perhaps, Toad is busy arraying himselfin those singularly hideous habiliments so dear to him, whichtransform him from a (comparatively) good-looking Toad into an Objectwhich throws any decent-minded animal that comes across it into aviolent fit. We must be up and doing, ere it is too late. You twoanimals will accompany me instantly to Toad Hall, and the work ofrescue shall be accomplished."

  "Right you are!" cried the Rat, starting up. "We'll rescue the poorunhappy animal! We'll convert him! He'll be the most converted Toadthat ever was before we've done with him!"

  They set off up the road on their mission of mercy, Badger leading theway. Animals when in company walk in a proper and sensible manner, insingle file, instead of sprawling all across the road and being of nouse or support to each other in case of sudden trouble or danger.

  They reached the carriage-drive of Toad Hall to find, as Badger hadanticipated, a shiny new motor-car, of great size, painted a brightred (Toad's favourite colour), standing in front of the house. As theyneared the door it was flung open, and Mr. Toad, arrayed in goggles,cap, gaiters, and enormous overcoat, came swaggering down the steps,drawing on his gauntleted gloves.

  "Hullo! come on, you fellows!" he cried cheerfully on catching sightof them. "You're just in time to come with me for a jolly--to come fora jolly--for a--er--jolly--"

  His hearty accents faltered and fell away as he noticed the sternunbending look on the countenances of his silent friends, and hisinvitation remained unfinished.

  The Badger strode up the steps. "Take him inside," he said sternly tohis companions. Then, as Toad was hustled through the door, strugglingand protesting, he turned to the _chauffeur_ in charge of the newmotor-car.

  "I'm afraid you won't be wanted to-day," he said. "Mr. Toad haschanged his mind. He will not require the car. Please understand thatthis is final. You needn't wait." Then he followed the others insideand shut the door.

  "Now then!" he said to the Toad, when the four of them stood togetherin the Hall, "first of all, take those ridiculous things off!"

  "Shan't!" replied Toad, with great spirit. "What is the meaning ofthis gross outrage? I demand an instant explanation."

  "Take them off him, then, you two," ordered the Badger briefly.

  They had to lay Toad out on the floor, kicking and calling all sortsof names, before they could get to work properly. Then the Rat sat onhim, and the Mole got his motor-clothes off him bit by bit, and theystood him up on his legs again. A good deal of his blustering spiritseemed to have evaporated with the removal of his fine panoply. Nowthat he was merely Toad, and no longer the Terror of the Highway, hegiggled feebly and looked from one to the other appealingly, seemingquite to understand the situation.

  "You knew it must come to this, sooner or later, Toad," the Badgerexplained severely. "You've disregarded all the warnings we've givenyou, you've gone on squandering the money your father left you, andyou're getting us animals a bad name in the district by your furiousdriving and your smashes and your rows with the police. Independenceis all very well, but we animals never allow our friends to make foolsof themselves beyond a certain limit; and that limit you've reached.Now, you're a good fellow in many respects, and I don't want to be toohard on you. I'll make one more effort to bring you to reason. Youwill come with me into the smoking-room, and there you will hear somefacts about yourself; and we'll see whether you come out of that roomthe same Toad that you went in."

  He took Toad firmly by the arm, led him into the smoking-room, andclosed the door behind them.

  "_That's_ no good!" said the Rat contemptuously. "_Talking_ to Toad'llnever cure him. He'll _say_ anything."

  They made themselves comfortable in arm-chairs and waited patiently.Through the closed door they could just hear the long continuous droneof the Badger's voice, rising and falling in waves of oratory; andpresently they noticed that the sermon began to be punctuated atintervals by long-drawn sobs, evidently proceeding from the bosom ofToad, who was a soft-hearted and affectionate fellow, very easilyconverted--for the time being--to any point of view.

  After some three-quarters of an hour the door opened, and the Badgerreappeared, solemnly leading by the paw a very limp and dejected Toad.His skin hung baggily about him, his legs wobbled, and his cheeks werefurrowed by the tears so plentifully called forth by the Badger'smoving discourse.

  "Sit down there, Toad," said the Badger kindly, pointing to a chair."My friends," he went on, "I am pleased to inform you that Toad has atlast seen the error of his ways. He is truly sorry for his misguidedconduct in the past, and he has undertaken to give up motor-carsentirely and for ever. I have his solemn promise to that effect."

  "That is very good news," said the Mole gravely.

  "Very good news indeed," observed the Rat dubiously, "if only--_if_only--"

  He was looking very hard at Toad as he said this, and could not helpthinking he perceived something vaguely resembling a twinkle in thatanimal's still sorrowful eye.

  "There's only one thing more to be done," continued the gratifiedBadger. "Toad, I want you solemnly to repeat, before your friendshere, what you fully admitted to me in the smoking-room just now.First, you are sorry for what you've done, and you see the folly of itall?"

  There was a long, long pause. Toad looked desperately this way andthat, while the other animals waited in grave silence. At last hespoke.

  "No!" he said, a little sullenly, but stoutly; "I'm _not_ sorry. Andit wasn't folly at all! It was simply glorious!"

  "What?" cried the Badger, greatly scandalised. "You backslidinganimal, didn't you tell me just now, in there--"

  "Oh, yes, yes, in _there_," said Toad impatiently. "I'd have saidanything in _there_. You're so eloquent, dear Badger, and so moving,and so convincing, and put all your points so frightfully well--youcan do what you like with me in _there_, and you know it. But I'vebeen searching my mind since, and going over things in it, and I findthat I'm not a bit sorry or repentant really,
so it's no earthly goodsaying I am; now, is it?"

  "Then you don't promise," said the Badger, "never to touch a motor-caragain?"

  "Certainly not!" replied Toad emphatically. "On the contrary, Ifaithfully promise that the very first motor-car I see, poop-poop! offI go in it!"

  "Told you so, didn't I?" observed the Rat to the Mole.

  "Very well, then," said the Badger firmly, rising to his feet. "Sinceyou won't yield to persuasion, we'll try what force can do. I fearedit would come to this all along. You've often asked us three to comeand stay with you, Toad, in this handsome house of yours; well, nowwe're going to. When we've converted you to a proper point of view wemay quit, but not before. Take him upstairs, you two, and lock him upin his bedroom, while we arrange matters between ourselves."

  "It's for your own good, Toady, you know," said the Rat kindly, asToad, kicking and struggling, was hauled up the stairs by his twofaithful friends. "Think what fun we shall all have together, just aswe used to, when you've quite got over this--this painful attack ofyours!"

  "We'll take great care of everything for you till you're well, Toad,"said the Mole; "and we'll see your money isn't wasted, as it hasbeen."

  "No more of those regrettable incidents with the police, Toad," saidthe Rat, as they thrust him into his bedroom.

  "And no more weeks in hospital, being ordered about by female nurses,Toad," added the Mole, turning the key on him.

  They descended the stair, Toad shouting abuse at them through thekeyhole; and the three friends then met in conference on thesituation.

  "It's going to be a tedious business," said the Badger, sighing. "I'venever seen Toad so determined. However, we will see it out. He mustnever be left an instant unguarded. We shall have to take it in turnsto be with him, till the poison has worked itself out of his system."

  They arranged watches accordingly. Each animal took it in turns tosleep in Toad's room at night, and they divided the day up betweenthem. At first Toad was undoubtedly very trying to his carefulguardians. When his violent paroxysms possessed him he would arrangebedroom chairs in rude resemblance of a motor-car and would crouch onthe foremost of them, bent forward and staring fixedly ahead, makinguncouth and ghastly noises, till the climax was reached, when, turninga complete somersault, he would lie prostrate amidst the ruins of thechairs, apparently completely satisfied for the moment. As timepassed, however, these painful seizures grew gradually less frequent,and his friends strove to divert his mind into fresh channels. But hisinterest in other matters did not seem to revive, and he grewapparently languid and depressed.

  One fine morning the Rat, whose turn it was to go on duty, wentupstairs to relieve Badger, whom he found fidgeting to be off andstretch his legs in a long ramble round his wood and down his earthsand burrows. "Toad's still in bed," he told the Rat, outside the door."Can't get much out of him, except, 'O leave him alone, he wantsnothing, perhaps he'll be better presently, it may pass off in time,don't be unduly anxious,' and so on. Now, you look out, Rat! WhenToad's quiet and submissive, and playing at being the hero of aSunday-school prize, then he's at his artfullest. There's sure to besomething up. I know him. Well, now, I must be off."

  "How are you to-day, old chap?" inquired the Rat cheerfully, as heapproached Toad's bedside.

  He had to wait some minutes for an answer. At last a feeble voicereplied, "Thank you so much, dear Ratty! So good of you to inquire!But first tell me how you are yourself, and the excellent Mole?"

  "O, _we're_ all right," replied the Rat. "Mole," he addedincautiously, "is going out for a run round with Badger. They'll beout till luncheon time, so you and I will spend a pleasant morningtogether, and I'll do my best to amuse you. Now jump up, there's agood fellow, and don't lie moping there on a fine morning like this!"

  "Dear, kind Rat," murmured Toad, "how little you realise my condition,and how very far I am from 'jumping up' now--if ever! But do nottrouble about me. I hate being a burden to my friends, and I do notexpect to be one much longer. Indeed, I almost hope not."

  "Well, I hope not, too," said the Rat heartily. "You've been a finebother to us all this time, and I'm glad to hear it's going to stop.And in weather like this, and the boating season just beginning! It'stoo bad of you, Toad! It isn't the trouble we mind, but you're makingus miss such an awful lot."

  "I'm afraid it _is_ the trouble you mind, though," replied the Toadlanguidly. "I can quite understand it. It's natural enough. You'retired of bothering about me. I mustn't ask you to do anything further.I'm a nuisance, I know."

  "You are, indeed," said the Rat. "But I tell you, I'd take any troubleon earth for you, if only you'd be a sensible animal."

  "If I thought that, Ratty," murmured Toad, more feebly than ever,"then I would beg you--for the last time, probably--to step round tothe village as quickly as possible--even now it may be too late--andfetch the doctor. But don't you bother. It's only a trouble, andperhaps we may as well let things take their course."

  "Why, what do you want a doctor for?" inquired the Rat, coming closerand examining him. He certainly lay very still and flat, and his voicewas weaker and his manner much changed.

  "Surely you have noticed of late--" murmured Toad. "But, no--whyshould you? Noticing things is only a trouble. To-morrow, indeed, youmay be saying to yourself, 'O, if only I had noticed sooner! If only Ihad done something!' But no; it's a trouble. Never mind--forget that Iasked."

  "Look here, old man," said the Rat, beginning to get rather alarmed,"of course I'll fetch a doctor to you, if you really think you wanthim. But you can hardly be bad enough for that yet. Let's talk aboutsomething else."

  "I fear, dear friend," said Toad, with a sad smile, "that 'talk' cando little in a case like this--or doctors either, for that matter;still, one must grasp at the slightest straw. And, by the way--whileyou are about it--I _hate_ to give you additional trouble, but Ihappen to remember that you will pass the door--would you mind at thesame time asking the lawyer to step up? It would be a convenience tome, and there are moments--perhaps I should say there is _a_moment--when one must face disagreeable tasks, at whatever cost toexhausted nature!"

  "A lawyer! O, he must be really bad!" the affrighted Rat said tohimself, as he hurried from the room, not forgetting, however, to lockthe door carefully behind him.

  Outside, he stopped to consider. The other two were far away, and hehad no one to consult.

  "It's best to be on the safe side," he said, on reflection. "I'veknown Toad fancy himself frightfully bad before, without the slightestreason; but I've never heard him ask for a lawyer! If there's nothingreally the matter, the doctor will tell him he's an old ass, and cheerhim up; and that will be something gained. I'd better humour him andgo; it won't take very long." So he ran off to the village on hiserrand of mercy.

  The Toad, who had hopped lightly out of bed as soon as he heard thekey turned in the lock, watched him eagerly from the window till hedisappeared down the carriage-drive. Then, laughing heartily, hedressed as quickly as possible in the smartest suit he could layhands on at the moment, filled his pockets with cash which he tookfrom a small drawer in the dressing-table, and next, knotting thesheets from his bed together and tying one end of the improvised roperound the central mullion of the handsome Tudor window which formedsuch a feature of his bedroom, he scrambled out, slid lightly to theground, and, taking the opposite direction to the Rat, marched offlight-heartedly, whistling a merry tune.

  It was a gloomy luncheon for Rat when the Badger and the Mole atlength returned, and he had to face them at table with his pitiful andunconvincing story. The Badger's caustic, not to say brutal, remarksmay be imagined, and therefore passed over; but it was painful to theRat that even the Mole, though he took his friend's side as far aspossible, could not help saying, "You've been a bit of a duffer thistime, Ratty! Toad, too, of all animals!"

  "He did it awfully well," said the crestfallen Rat.

  "He did _you_ awfully well!" rejoined the Badger hotly. "However,talking won't mend matters. He's got clear away f
or the time, that'scertain; and the worst of it is, he'll be so conceited with what he'llthink is his cleverness that he may commit any folly. One comfort is,we're free now, and needn't waste any more of our precious time doingsentry-go. But we'd better continue to sleep at Toad Hall for a whilelonger. Toad may be brought back at any moment--on a stretcher, orbetween two policemen."

  So spoke the Badger, not knowing what the future held in store, or howmuch water, and of how turbid a character, was to run under bridgesbefore Toad should sit at ease again in his ancestral Hall.

  * * * * *

  Meanwhile, Toad, gay and irresponsible, was walking briskly along thehigh road, some miles from home. At first he had taken by-paths, andcrossed many fields, and changed his course several times, in case ofpursuit; but now, feeling by this time safe from recapture, and thesun smiling brightly on him, and all Nature joining in a chorus ofapproval to the song of self-praise that his own heart was singing tohim, he almost danced along the road in his satisfaction and conceit.

  "Smart piece of work that!" he remarked to himself chuckling. "Brainagainst brute force--and brain came out on the top--as it's bound todo. Poor old Ratty! My! won't he catch it when the Badger gets back! Aworthy fellow, Ratty, with many good qualities, but very littleintelligence and absolutely no education. I must take him in hand someday, and see if I can make something of him."

  Filled full of conceited thoughts such as these he strode along, hishead in the air, till he reached a little town, where the sign of "TheRed Lion," swinging across the road half-way down the main street,reminded him that he had not breakfasted that day, and that he wasexceedingly hungry after his long walk. He marched into the Inn,ordered the best luncheon that could be provided at so short a notice,and sat down to eat it in the coffee-room.

  He was about half-way through his meal when an only too familiar sound,approaching down the street, made him start and fall a-trembling allover. The poop-poop! drew nearer and nearer, the car could be heard toturn into the inn-yard and come to a stop, and Toad had to hold on tothe leg of the table to conceal his over-mastering emotion. Presentlythe party entered the coffee-room, hungry, talkative, and gay, volubleon their experiences of the morning and the merits of the chariot thathad brought them along so well. Toad listened eagerly, all ears, for atime; at last he could stand it no longer. He slipped out of the roomquietly, paid his bill at the bar, and as soon as he got outsidesauntered round quietly to the inn-yard. "There cannot be any harm," hesaid to himself, "in my only just _looking_ at it!"

  The car stood in the middle of the yard, quite unattended, thestable-helps and other hangers-on being all at their dinner. Toadwalked slowly round it, inspecting, criticising, musing deeply.

  "I wonder," he said to himself presently, "I wonder if this sort ofcar _starts_ easily?"

  Next moment, hardly knowing how it came about, he found he had hold ofthe handle and was turning it. As the familiar sound broke forth, theold passion seized on Toad and completely mastered him, body and soul.As if in a dream he found himself, somehow, seated in the driver'sseat; as if in a dream, he pulled the lever and swung the car roundthe yard and out through the archway; and, as if in a dream, all senseof right and wrong, all fear of obvious consequences, seemedtemporarily suspended. He increased his pace, and as the car devouredthe street and leapt forth on the high road through the open country,he was only conscious that he was Toad once more, Toad at his best andhighest, Toad the terror, the traffic-queller, the Lord of the lonetrail, before whom all must give way or be smitten into nothingnessand everlasting night. He chanted as he flew, and the car respondedwith sonorous drone; the miles were eaten up under him as he sped heknew not whither, fulfilling his instincts, living his hour, recklessof what might come to him.

  * * * * *

  "To my mind," observed the Chairman of the Bench of Magistratescheerfully, "the _only_ difficulty that presents itself in thisotherwise very clear case is, how we can possibly make it sufficientlyhot for the incorrigible rogue and hardened ruffian whom we seecowering in the dock before us. Let me see: he has been found guilty,on the clearest evidence, first, of stealing a valuable motor-car;secondly, of driving to the public danger; and, thirdly, of grossimpertinence to the rural police. Mr. Clerk, will you tell us, please,what is the very stiffest penalty we can impose for each of theseoffences? Without, of course, giving the prisoner the benefit of anydoubt, because there isn't any."

  The Clerk scratched his nose with his pen. "Some people wouldconsider," he observed, "that stealing the motor-car was the worstoffence; and so it is. But cheeking the police undoubtedly carries theseverest penalty; and so it ought. Supposing you were to say twelvemonths for the theft, which is mild; and three years for the furiousdriving, which is lenient; and fifteen years for the cheek, which waspretty bad sort of cheek, judging by what we've heard from thewitness-box, even if you only believe one-tenth part of what youheard, and I never believe more myself--those figures, if addedtogether correctly, tot up to nineteen years--"

  "First-rate!" said the Chairman.

  "--So you had better make it a round twenty years and be on the safeside," concluded the Clerk.

  "An excellent suggestion!" said the Chairman approvingly. "Prisoner!Pull yourself together and try and stand up straight. It's going to betwenty years for you this time. And mind, if you appear before usagain, upon any charge whatever, we shall have to deal with you veryseriously!"

  Then the brutal minions of the law fell upon the hapless Toad; loadedhim with chains, and dragged him from the Court House, shrieking,praying, protesting; across the market-place, where the playfulpopulace, always as severe upon detected crime as they are sympatheticand helpful when one is merely "wanted," assailed him with jeers,carrots, and popular catch-words; past hooting school children, theirinnocent faces lit up with the pleasure they ever derive from thesight of a gentleman in difficulties; across the hollow-soundingdrawbridge, below the spiky portcullis, under the frowning archway ofthe grim old castle, whose ancient towers soared high overhead; pastguardrooms full of grinning soldiery off duty, past sentries whocoughed in a horrid, sarcastic way, because that is as much as asentry on his post dare do to show his contempt and abhorrence ofcrime; up time-worn winding stairs, past men-at-arms in casquet andcorselet of steel, darting threatening looks through their vizards;across courtyards, where mastiffs strained at their leash and pawedthe air to get at him; past ancient warders, their halberds leantagainst the wall, dozing over a pasty and a flagon of brown ale; onand on, past the rack-chamber and the thumbscrew-room, past theturning that led to the private scaffold, till they reached the doorof the grimmest dungeon that lay in the heart of the innermost keep.There at last they paused, where an ancient gaoler sat fingering abunch of mighty keys.

  _Toad was a helpless prisoner in the remotest dungeon_]

  "Oddsbodikins!" said the sergeant of police, taking off his helmet andwiping his forehead. "Rouse thee, old loon, and take over from us thisvile Toad, a criminal of deepest guilt and matchless artfulness andresource. Watch and ward him with all thy skill; and mark thee well,greybeard, should aught untoward befall, thy old head shall answer forhis--and a murrain on both of them!"

  The gaoler nodded grimly, laying his withered hand on the shoulder ofthe miserable Toad. The rusty key creaked in the lock, the great doorclanged behind them; and Toad was a helpless prisoner in the remotestdungeon of the best-guarded keep of the stoutest castle in all thelength and breadth of Merry England.